It's been a full year since I've become a single mummy, it's been excellent and hard at the same time. I had times when I wished to do more, and I had times when I could barely lift myself from my bed. I had sleepless nights thinking about how can I do more not just for me but for my baby girl as well. I gave up on two jobs and realised that I wish to continue with my writing and my studies. After my break up from her daddy, I thought working as one solution to my anxiety, so I started working but not on myself, just for the company I was labouring. That had to change, in the past years I had enough drama in my life, losing a child not having the help needed to embrace the fact that he is not anymore, everything became a challenge for me. I thought having another child will help erase my pain, it didn’t. Doing that accentuated the fact that I was missing him or someone to tell me that I can do it. This couple of weeks as I sat down attached to my bed (I had an arm injury; could not move my right arm as it was painful even to breathe) I realised that I'm not myself anymore. I realised that I'd let myself go though I was the only person that I need to get through it. I had people that I thought there were there for me, but they were there just for themselves. I had people using my life and energy against me like I was some horrid energy. I wish them well and prosperity and hope that one day will grow up enough to figure out they are not entitled to manipulate and suck out their inner self-esteem. I'm getting back into writing and dancing and singing and baking everything that makes me happy. Last night it was the first night when my child went to sleep at nine, and she is now happier than ever that she goes to sleep and wakes up with her mommy. I've missed myself and my baby the most. Sometimes I felt I could conquer the world, I still think it, and I know I can do it. Having anxiety and depression and not having the right people and help near you can get you more down if you feel like something is pushing you away from yourself ask for help. Writing helps me to take the stress away. Before I was fighting my demons now, I dance with them; sometimes sadness boosts your good times that will appear. If you ask for help, It's not a shame its courage.
