Until last year I thought that fights (heated arguments) were toxic for a relationship and I was so wrong.
Fighting is not always just the ones that involves abuse (I’m not preaching that kind of fights) .
Fights or conflicts are always going to happen in a relationship.
There are 2 kinds of fights the one that you have a little heated argument and kiss and it’s gone or the ones that you have to think overnight what did you do this time.
A relationship without any heated arguments it’s a little boring and too perfect to be true. (I’m not saying all relationships are the same but I’m writing from my point of view )
Here is why :
-2 different individuals with 2 different characters ,minds and love language.
Being in partnership with someone you love it won’t be always unicorns and sunshine and it won’t be always just fights or heated arguments as I like to call them sometimes.
We are prone to have discussions that are not the same and we can’t agree that we always see eye to eye ,that doesn’t mean you love your partner less,it means both of you visualise and interpret the subject differently than the loved one.
When I catch myself in an argument with my partner often I realise that it wasn’t that we didn’t understood each other it was just about for ourselves to release the tensions ,the demons and the battles that we had inside to go wilding outside. And that feels refreshing just like a cool rain in the summer(living in U.K that happens often hope I won’t have this kind of summer 😂 in my relationship).
Not long ago I was seeing fights as a bad and awful thing,until I started doing some research about it.
Here is something that I’ve found really intriguing regarding the conflicts:
‘The way you begin has three parts, according to Dziedzic: your tone, the actual words you say, and your volume. If any of those is harsh, the conversation is likely to go downhill from there, so it can be a key to reflect on how you tend to begin discussions with your significant other. “Ask yourself: Do I empower them, or do I put them into an attack stance when I bring up issues?” Dziedzic recommends.’
(Certified relationship coach Steven Dziedzic )
I know being heated and wanting to say first what we intend to say but sometimes we can disrupt each other when talking and that alone can become more daunting.
So try and set some rules like let’s have 10 minutes each of saying what we intend to say.
One of the other good tips that I’ve learned is that if you or your partner needs to calm their horses down it is allowed to go out from the room just saying I need to have some time for myself now, …this doesn’t really happen always like this, as when we get to the maximum frustration point we will storm out with a tantrum,just to let the other partner seeing “you my friend got me in my boiling point and if I remain here I’ll explode”.
Reading the tips from the “coach” doesn’t mean you can always make amends end like you wanted or how you are advised to do.
In some moments I’m like you know what just Fukc* it and it seems I’m not the only one that does it and I don’t think I’ll be the last one,but that is our cue of saying I really need time apart from this conversation I’m having with you.
Below every argument there is an emotional need that haven’t been meet or felt valuable enough for the other one to take in consideration.
One small example is:
Your partner haven’t washed the dishes when you’ve asked even though you’ve reminded him/her to do that action ten times.
The emotional part is :” I’m really not that valuable for him to understand that I need his help?”
Dr Gary Chapman states that asking your partner what needs have today and how can you make their day feeling more loved can produce a more emotional and practical ground to work on.
When both partners have their needs meet ,the conflicts become more like a easy heated argument.
It’s not always healthy to fight for example where abuse (mentally, physically or sexually) is used that is a toxic and awful environment that needs help and a simple end.
When I’m writing for my blog I don’t always write just from my experience [sometimes I do my writings learning from others people relationships (gossip )]as I’m always learning and I’m always trying to improve myself ,even though I’m reading and trying to learn from these specialists individuals I can’t always follow what they state so it won’t be always just so easy to follow what they preach ,it takes practice.
I’m not trying to practice more fights but I do my best to entertain them (joke).
"There is no one correct formula when it comes to frequency of conflict, and there is no one correct way to navigate conflict that’s right for all couples,”
(Joseph Cilona, Psy.D., lincesed clinical psychologist in New York City).
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